Sorceress (1982)

  Evil wizard Traigon must sacrifice his firstborn child to a dark deity. His wife disagrees and in order to save her twin daughters, she runs away from him. The two girls grow up by the side of a warrior named Krona who protects and trains them. After twenty years of absence, Traigon returns and he sets out to finish the job; to sacrifice his daughters...
  After an hour and a half, I was still looking for a Sorceress but she was nowhere to be found. Anyway! Sorceress is an early 80's Sword&Sandal epic (?) movie directed by legendary cult director Jack Hill and produced by Roger Corman. Rumor has it that Corman interfered so much in the editing that Hill was disappointed and decided to remove his name in the credits as a director. You can really sense that this movie was put together really fast in order to cash in on Conan's success as a film of the same genre. Unfortunately, in that token, Sorceress does not cut it but at least it provides with 83 minutes of pure B-movie fun. It is filled with clever sexual innuendos, cheap but entertaining 80's special effects and costumes, a fair amount of action and fantastic beasts and alive things (sic) inspired by almost any "epic" era or tale you can imagine. Some may not be huge fans of "All-In-One" soups like this but I certainly had fun.
  Except from the sexy blonde twins, Leigh & Lynette Harris (ex-Playboy Playmates), almost everyone else is Mexican. It makes sense since the film was shot in Mexico in order to ensure lower production costs. Roberto Ballesteros plays the evil father/wizard, Bruno Rey is Baldar, David Millbern is Pando (my personal favorite, a Satyr) and Roberto Nelson is Elrick. For a B-movie such as this, the overall acting quality is actually above average and very convincing throughout the entire film. The actors certainly did more than they had to, that's for sure!
Should you or should you not watch this? I don't know...Do you want to see a half-man/half-goat getting all voyeur-y on a couple of naked blonde twins swimming in a lake? Do you want to see what the cheapest special effects in 1982 could produce? Then, the answer is clear!
Must watch this :  on a lazy, bored Sunday afternoon after you have enjoyed a hefty BBQ lunch. Grab a soda and tune in on that shit. For the afterburner, blast this!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086340/

20 years early for a Gimli tryout, dude, but i like your effort!

How did my life end up like this?

It is not obvious what I am supposed to be but it is obvious that I am

Forbidden Planet (1956)

  A spaceship lands on a planet with the mission to rescue and secure the well-being of a human colony sent there years ago. Upon arrival, they find out that the sole survivors is a scientist,his daughter and a very clever robot that managed to survive against all monsters. The scientist's secret will soon shock everyone on board...
  Ah the 50's. Back when chubby and curvy was still sexy, Sci-Fi was still pure and raw. The progress of this film's story is truly breathtaking and stunningly smart and while it appears as naive and family-fun, it is downright radical. Fred M. Wilcox combines the beloved issue of extraterrestrial life and the basic learnings of Freud's science and what comes out is an endings that you definitely won't see coming.
   Watching this film, I swear I didn't get the slightest hunch that Leslie Nielsen had the major role! It may have been that I am used to seeing him in hid own unique comedies! Nevertheless, he is quite nice as the all-American hero who gets the girl (of course), Anne Francis. It wasn't that difficult ,if you ask me, since her father, the malicious Walter Pidgeon had her all locked up and protected. My personal favorite, though, was the cook, Earl Holliman, who managed to befriend a robot that steadily supplied him with his cherished alcohol!
Must watch this : getting high would help although it is not necessary. I would suggest some deep fried French fries, a couple of strong beers and a joint for the dessert.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049223/

Those curves though

Inter-galactic nudity?! Hell, yeah!

Listen, I am going to be a comedian. OK, Dad?

Hellboy (2004)

  The story of a red humanoid demon conjured by a secret Nazi group but raised from infant by an American professor. Hellboy, as he was named, is trained and devoted to confronting the forces of evil that threaten our world. When Rasputin, the man who conjured him, comes back to bring the end of the world, Hellboy must act quickly...
  When you see Guillermo del Toro's name signed in a film like that then you should be sure that this film is going to be very good. With much less mambo jumbo than the average Marvel comics film, Hellboy manages to pay a very iconic tribute to the well-known hero and elevate his status to a new-found glory. For 2004, the film has very complicated special effects but not so elaborate to make it a kitsch special effects film!
  Ron Perlman deserves a "Job well done" from all comic hero fans from all over the world. His face is like it was destined to someday play Hellboy (with the mandatory make-up of course). John Hurt and Selma Blair react very well around Perlman as his step-dad and love thing, respectively. Rupert Evans gets in the way as a nanny, Doug Jones knows just about everything and Karel Roden is Rasputin. Nuff said!
Must watch this : go to the nearest tobacco and cigar shop and get yourself a big-ass cigar. After you have prepared a manly dinner (take-out or steak are the only two respectable options here), enjoy this movie accordingly.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167190/?ref_=nv_sr_2

I am just not getting paid enough

Why is always me to get dirty?

Now what am I supposed to do?

Santo Attacks the Witches (1968) a.k.a Atacan Las Brujas

  An evil witch and her young witch disciples have set up their own evil cult. They make plans of bringing demons and malicious spirits in the dimension of Earth. There is only man who can stop them and that is Santo...
  Santo's persona my have roughly appeared in more than 50 films. Ain't that something?! And for the better part of those 50 films, they are still so rare they are like pirate's gold. José Díaz Morales, a very notable Mexican director, directs this piece of art in which Santo deals with a cult of sexy witches and beats some hefty amount of ass. The amount of cult-ness in this film is way too much and many people may not stand it ; witchcraft, female cults and satanic rites, demons, wrestling, a masked avenger and insane dialogues. This one is only for those sic-cult in heart!
  Santo kept the mystery of his persona very well as he almost never appeared without his iconic silver lucha libre mask.At first it may seem idiotic to watch a masked man doing everyday chores and flirting with girls but if you bear in mind that it is what it is then you start to enjoy it. And since every macho man needs to be surrounded by foxy ladies, Lorena Velázquez and María Eugenia San Martín step in.
Must watch this : like a true Mexican hombre, roll up a nasty chimichanga, sit down and sip down some tequila. Try to avoid the worm!
Just a Taste
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057858/

Surprise dick!

Beefcake!

Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders (1989)

  Flesh Gordon is abducted by a group of cheerleaders who want him to help them with a problem ; their planet is polluted by radiation that  makes their men impotent. Evil Presence is responsible for all these and has an evil master plan. Can Flesh Gordon help in any way?
  Hands down the worst film I have ever seen! Take it each way you want ; by means of story, special effects,plot, acting this film sucks major ass! Director Howard Ziehm's career ended with that film and it goes without saying that it was necessary. Poor but imaginative scatological humor, an ocean of sex jokes and tons of tits and ass are what this film is all about. Come to think about it, it is not that bad after all!
  I shall save the lines that I would spare for the actors (I don't think they deserve any) and I will make fun of certain ridiculous moments in the film. A spaceship running on chicken energy, a "cockball" game (or whatever), the ridiculous names and everything (Dr.Jerkof, Robunda Hooters), a chicken smoking a cigarette, the Mammary Mountains...Fuck my brain is dead already.
Must watch this : DO NOT WATCH THIS! But if your mind is as sick as mine watch it just for the fun on a random boring afternoon with a cappuccino. A film is never bad when there are naked ladies in it! Come back to your senses with that twerk-inducing shit !
Trailer in German
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097365/

Galactic Orgy

This band is shit

The only he got from the shooting of this film

Beetlejuice (1988)

  A young couple dies in a ridiculous accident and return to their home as ghost. They find out that their house is sold to a new family and they do everything they can to get rid of them. In the end, they call for the help of a "bio-exorcist" but they forgot to think about the consequences...
  The second actual film of Tim Burton is an entertaining horror/black comedy with tons of enthusiastic innuendos about the after life and what follows. Burton presents his own humorous version of after-life matters and compares the organizing of the issues of the dead with those of a public service. Some interesting stop-motion techniques were used here and so, the film gets a more comic-y side to it. If your sense of humor isn't dark and twisted you may not enjoy this as much. In any other case, dig in!
  Michael Keaton of course steals the show as the demonic possession-er that aims to help the dead spook the living. Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin are actually entertaining as the newly-dead goofy couple who just don't seem to adapt to the dead lifestyle so good. Winona Ryder is a classic addition since this is a Burton and Glenn Shadix, Catherine O'Hara and Jeffrey Jones drop in to give their little weird piece of black comedy!
Must watch this : on a random rainy November weekday when you are exhausted from work. Order some cheap Chinese food and enjoy this one half asleep half unconscious!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094721/

Honey,we forgot to pout dead flour in the mix.

I had a card but my dead dog ate it!

Oh,shit. My leggings are ripped.

Wizards (1977)

  A magician as old as time lives in the peaceful part of his world but soon his evil brother starts planning to spread the chaos and doom and declares war. The good magician gathers up his team and attempts to restore peace and the balance of magic and technology...
   Ralph Bakshi's unique style is something out of the beyond. Considered by some the epitome of his work, Wizards is a funny psychedelic trip through an dystopian land which is divided to two parts; a normal natural part where all the magic creatures live and the nasty part where radiation has led to the creation of mutants. Allegories every second minute and an open connection of the bad guy to Hitler makes this film a delicious food for thought and a real treat for the eyes!
  The animation is really something spectacular in this film. I could not help feeling amazed at how warm and yet trippy all the scenes appeared. It is an 80 minute homage to a selection of drugs unknown to humanity now that helped create anything of the third eye we have now. For any fan of animation, this is a classic!
Must watch this : definitely as high as a kite on a rainy and gloomy afternoon!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076929/

Peek-a-Boo

Dude, your eyes....

Sp, who is rolling the next one?

The Horror of Frankenstein (1970)

  The story of young scientist Victor Frankenstein whose passion with anatomy led him to perform abnormal experiments. Collecting spare parts from dead bodies and using the powers of electricity, Frankenstein aims to be able to give life to what is already dead. And he finally, succeeds....
  Times were a-changing and so Frankenstein had to do! Directed by Jimmy Sangster, this film had nothing to do with the previous and following of the series, starring Peter Cushing. In an attempted fresh new start, Frankenstein is young, mean and totally self-oriented while the film is much more cult than the rest from Hammer studios. The monster could have been better but no hard feelings since the atmosphere is satisfying. More sex, more gore and more exploitation. This film may have been the start of a change for Hammer Studios!
  Ralph Bates manages to stand very well in the shoes of his predecessor and while his character deserves some love in the end, he manages to portray a ruthless, sadistic figure who kills everyone that stand in his way. Veronica Carlson is sadly in love with him, not seeing the monster he really is and Graham James is his friend and colleague until he was no longer needed. Surprise appearance by Dennis Price and voluptuous Kate O'Mara who steals any scene she is in.
Must watch this : on the last day of summer when you feel the weather changing and the cold of winter coming in the distance. Make a hefty cup of Earl Grey tea and enjoy this film like a cold-hearted Briton !
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065851/

Not even the  lemon drops in my eyes seem to work

It's gonna bust

It's all you, bro! You can lift it!

Something Weird (1967)

  A young man is involved in a terrible accident in which he is awfully disfigured in the face and acquires a set of weird psychic powers. A seemingly hot lady (only he can see her true nature) who works as a fortune teller offers to change his face only if he agrees to become her lover. An adventure out of the norm ensues...
  One of the most chaotic and out of the blue movies of Herschell Gordon Lewis, Something Weird is by far one of the most unexplainable plots you can ever witness in cinema. The movie easily surfs through karate practice, ghosts, gore, witches, sex and paranormal powers! Some say you have to watch this more than once to grasp its true meaning but truthfully I couldn't! So, any explanation about the meaning merely stays at a simple art-imitates-life and that any nothingness and vanity in finding the meaning simply co-relates to life's own gloomy vanity!
  It is indeed as weird a film as the title suggests and the following actors helped their way to make it so. Bombshell Elizabeth Lee and Mudite Arums are essentially the two different sides of the same person and
Tony McCabe is the unlucky fool to witness only the real, unpleasant side. And if that wasn't enough, he has the passionate William Brooker to bust his balls along the way!
Must watch this : sober in order to not to have any second thoughts if it was the film or your lack of consciousness. It was the film, don't bother. Also, I would advise not telling or showing it to anyone as they will get just another reason to take you for a lunatic.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062288/

Shit, I gotta stop using the razor

Not who I was hoping to see at a dark room at this time of the night

Surprise, motherfucker!

One Million Years B.C. (1966)

  Tumak, the son a tribe's leader is punished to exile by his father. Wandering the unfriendly land he lives in, fighting off dinosaurs and beasts, he finds another tribe much less violent than his but he is banished from there also. A girl from the second tribe follows him and together they must face the wilderness once again...
  Incredibly ahistorical to the last minute but utterly entertaining, One Million Years B.C is a fantasy adventure film directed by Don Chaffey. The breathtaking sets give the film an amazing breath of credibility and bind perfectly with the stop-motion (thank Ray Harryhausen) scenes. Though kid-like at many points, this film luckily has some adult-level violence inside it that makes the caveman concept more realistic.
  John Richardson as Tumak is enjoyable and easily makes a role-model for a man, that right kind of man who shoots first and then asks questions. Raquel Welch (as Loana) needs no special introduction as she remains a sex symbol since then and it's always a pleasure to see sex symbols in prehistoric bikinis! Percy Herbert is the arch enemy of Tumak and ironically he is his brother. It's like Cane and Abel shit all over again!
Must watch this : with your girl and a selection of mixed nuts. Watch this naked in order to feel in touch with your caveman side and try to use no words after the film for at least two hours! Now that's life imitating art!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060782/

Everybody saw that? He fell on his own!

Let that motherfucker down! He owes me money

Prehistoric bitch fight

Orgy of the Dead (1965)

  John and his girlfriend Shirley go to a cemetery in order to to look for inspiration for John's upcoming horror novel. Suddenly, the dead start emerging from their graves and perform a twisted dancing ritual in front of John and Shirley's eyes...
  Not every movie has to mean something. Now, that must have been Stephen C. Apostolof's motto when he decided to collaborate with Ed Wood for this "intelligent" film. This movie is a total no-brainer without even the distinct idea or insinuation of a plot, close to zero budget and non existent line of thought! Of course, all these are not necessarily bad and it depends on how you look at it! Besides being a total crap, this film is also the definition of stupid fan!
  Dead people coming back to life (they don't look so dead to me!), mandatorilly naked or at least topless for the most part dancing around in psychedelic smoke, in the middle of the forest and then the orgy kicks in! For sure, these were the better days of cinema. Lots of drugs, lots of booze, lots of wannabe actors giving everything for even the tiniest part and lots of money to actually throw down the drain. This film deserves the watch just for the experience and to show you that not everything means something in life!
Must watch this : with lots of beer or any other alcohol and seven bowls of supreme weed. Call up your friends (dudes or chicks), gather up, start partying with dat steamy tune and have this playing in the background for the laughs!
Trailer
tp://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054240/

Where the fuck is my car?

Damn, where did you get that hair done?

So, you come here often?

The Plague of the Zombies (1966)

  A mysterious epidemic starts killing young workers in a little Cornish village. The local doctor helplessly asks for professor James Forbes' help. Upon Forbes' and his daughter's arrival to the village think start spiraling out of control and now Forbes has to face something unreal...
  In the vein of similar goth horror films from the same company, this film comes out and stings like a motherfucker. Directed by John Gilling, this flick boasts a smart script, fine acting, solid photography and gloomy atmosphere. As always, the settings are outstanding and certainly build up half of the film's momentum. Cemeteries, unholy rituals, zombies....prepare!
  The cast is a classic Hammer Films' one, with sophisticated actors performing above average. The expressions and feelings portrayed are convincing and life-like and the theatrical mood of the actor's performances gives a more realistic touch to it. That is quite difficult for a film of the genre! Standing out from the cast are André Morell, Brook Williams, Jacqueline Pearce and Diane Clare!
Must watch this :  on a rainy and windy March afternoon. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and enjoy the film. After the film, take a long stroll in the muddy woods nearby but make sure not to shit yourself with every strange noise you hear!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060841/

A fine specimen of period blood

Oh, no! I am lost...Maybe a wolf may come and help me!

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Shut up, Mike. That is immoral"

20 Million Miles to Earth (1957)

  The first spaceship sent to Venus crash-lands off the coast Sicily while carrying a very peculiar specimen of what seems to be alien form of life, entrapped in a green hard goo. A lizard-like creature soon escapes out of the goo and starts roaming free on Earth, maximizing in size with the help of the oxygen and spreading chaos wherever it stands...
  A more than interesting piece of old-school Sci-Fi from the forgotten 50's, this film was directed by Nathan Juran. More important, though, is the fact that this film employs the amazing skills of Ray Harryhausen in the art of stop-motion animation. It may not be computer-aided, HD animation but it certainly gets its thing done, leaving you scared shitless of the monster (as I imagine people were back then)!
  The main protagonist here is none other than the monster itself but still William Hopper, military and fearless stud, and Joan Taylor, old-school Sci-fi scream queen, still a bit of its glory. The two actors fall in love while fighting the monster (wow I did not see that coming) but my best feelings go tot the monster. It just wants to break stuff and chill out and these motherfuckers don't let it be. I mean, it traveled 20 million miles for it...
Must watch this : on a laid-back Sunday, right after the barbeque, with a cool beer in your hand and your girl sleeping on your laps. Feel totally relaxed and Zen while being careful not to scare her with the monster...
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050084/

Mmmmm, how much cash can I make out of that shit?!

Who's a pretty monster? You are, you are!

Hey guys, wanna play fetch?