Sorceress (1982)

  Evil wizard Traigon must sacrifice his firstborn child to a dark deity. His wife disagrees and in order to save her twin daughters, she runs away from him. The two girls grow up by the side of a warrior named Krona who protects and trains them. After twenty years of absence, Traigon returns and he sets out to finish the job; to sacrifice his daughters...
  After an hour and a half, I was still looking for a Sorceress but she was nowhere to be found. Anyway! Sorceress is an early 80's Sword&Sandal epic (?) movie directed by legendary cult director Jack Hill and produced by Roger Corman. Rumor has it that Corman interfered so much in the editing that Hill was disappointed and decided to remove his name in the credits as a director. You can really sense that this movie was put together really fast in order to cash in on Conan's success as a film of the same genre. Unfortunately, in that token, Sorceress does not cut it but at least it provides with 83 minutes of pure B-movie fun. It is filled with clever sexual innuendos, cheap but entertaining 80's special effects and costumes, a fair amount of action and fantastic beasts and alive things (sic) inspired by almost any "epic" era or tale you can imagine. Some may not be huge fans of "All-In-One" soups like this but I certainly had fun.
  Except from the sexy blonde twins, Leigh & Lynette Harris (ex-Playboy Playmates), almost everyone else is Mexican. It makes sense since the film was shot in Mexico in order to ensure lower production costs. Roberto Ballesteros plays the evil father/wizard, Bruno Rey is Baldar, David Millbern is Pando (my personal favorite, a Satyr) and Roberto Nelson is Elrick. For a B-movie such as this, the overall acting quality is actually above average and very convincing throughout the entire film. The actors certainly did more than they had to, that's for sure!
Should you or should you not watch this? I don't know...Do you want to see a half-man/half-goat getting all voyeur-y on a couple of naked blonde twins swimming in a lake? Do you want to see what the cheapest special effects in 1982 could produce? Then, the answer is clear!
Must watch this :  on a lazy, bored Sunday afternoon after you have enjoyed a hefty BBQ lunch. Grab a soda and tune in on that shit. For the afterburner, blast this!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086340/

20 years early for a Gimli tryout, dude, but i like your effort!

How did my life end up like this?

It is not obvious what I am supposed to be but it is obvious that I am

Forbidden Planet (1956)

  A spaceship lands on a planet with the mission to rescue and secure the well-being of a human colony sent there years ago. Upon arrival, they find out that the sole survivors is a scientist,his daughter and a very clever robot that managed to survive against all monsters. The scientist's secret will soon shock everyone on board...
  Ah the 50's. Back when chubby and curvy was still sexy, Sci-Fi was still pure and raw. The progress of this film's story is truly breathtaking and stunningly smart and while it appears as naive and family-fun, it is downright radical. Fred M. Wilcox combines the beloved issue of extraterrestrial life and the basic learnings of Freud's science and what comes out is an endings that you definitely won't see coming.
   Watching this film, I swear I didn't get the slightest hunch that Leslie Nielsen had the major role! It may have been that I am used to seeing him in hid own unique comedies! Nevertheless, he is quite nice as the all-American hero who gets the girl (of course), Anne Francis. It wasn't that difficult ,if you ask me, since her father, the malicious Walter Pidgeon had her all locked up and protected. My personal favorite, though, was the cook, Earl Holliman, who managed to befriend a robot that steadily supplied him with his cherished alcohol!
Must watch this : getting high would help although it is not necessary. I would suggest some deep fried French fries, a couple of strong beers and a joint for the dessert.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049223/

Those curves though

Inter-galactic nudity?! Hell, yeah!

Listen, I am going to be a comedian. OK, Dad?

Santo Attacks the Witches (1968) a.k.a Atacan Las Brujas

  An evil witch and her young witch disciples have set up their own evil cult. They make plans of bringing demons and malicious spirits in the dimension of Earth. There is only man who can stop them and that is Santo...
  Santo's persona my have roughly appeared in more than 50 films. Ain't that something?! And for the better part of those 50 films, they are still so rare they are like pirate's gold. José Díaz Morales, a very notable Mexican director, directs this piece of art in which Santo deals with a cult of sexy witches and beats some hefty amount of ass. The amount of cult-ness in this film is way too much and many people may not stand it ; witchcraft, female cults and satanic rites, demons, wrestling, a masked avenger and insane dialogues. This one is only for those sic-cult in heart!
  Santo kept the mystery of his persona very well as he almost never appeared without his iconic silver lucha libre mask.At first it may seem idiotic to watch a masked man doing everyday chores and flirting with girls but if you bear in mind that it is what it is then you start to enjoy it. And since every macho man needs to be surrounded by foxy ladies, Lorena Velázquez and María Eugenia San Martín step in.
Must watch this : like a true Mexican hombre, roll up a nasty chimichanga, sit down and sip down some tequila. Try to avoid the worm!
Just a Taste
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057858/

Surprise dick!

Beefcake!

Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?

The Mission (1986)

  A group of Jesuit missionary priests succeeded in building a small community of local tribes that have recently turned to Christianity. Sheltered in the jungle, the mission gives home to a former mercenary who tries to find peace with his crime. When the church decides to break the mission's operation and oust the people, the priests must take a stand...
  Roland Joffé delivers a very controversial film. While The Mission's story, cast and starting ambitions are very promising, the progress of the film reveals a different result than the expected. The overall "lesson"of the film is quite mature thought-wise ; the controversy on the subject on what is God's will and what is man's thirst for power? Sadly, the film doe snot get to explore that question adequately and the viewer may be left with a feeling of blankness in the end.
  Nevertheless, because this film boasts some very good actors, one can not just turn his look away from it and one shouldn't either. Robert De Niro is a vicious man in love who kills his brother and then gets crazy-guilty about it, Jeremy Irons is a holy man who pays just a little bit too much respect to the human laws, Ray McAnally is the local man in power and hardly cares about what will happen and Liam Nesson in a surprise-surprise role!
Must watch this : if you want to state that "I have watched all of De Niro's films" then you should watch this film on any given chance. Otherwise, watch if you can;t find anything more interesting to watch!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091530/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Get off, you little peasants!

My eyes are up here!

Fus Ro Daaa

Toy Story (1995)

  Woody, a cowboy doll sees his life as Andy's toy getting out of control as Andy gets a new toy for his birthday ; an amazing new spaceman figure, Buzz. And if that wasn't enough, Andy is moving out and Woody has to make sure he remains his favorite toy...
  John Lasseter, devoted to the animation genre is responsible for the first cinema craze that swept over many kids back in 1995 and I am glad to be one of them. The concept of Toy Story to this day has me amazed, as even now the chance of toys communicating with each other and collaborating strikes me as utterly unreal. And it's even more thrilling (especially as a kid) when these toys have unique personalities, they are goofy and funny and have strong friendship bonds and sworn enemies. 
  Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Don Rickles and many other well-known actors give life and their voices to the characters of Toy Story and the result is really something. The humor throughout the film is appropriate not only for kids but also for adults who can find saucy spots! Now that I think of it, maybe I should watch again all the films I liked a kid. Maybe there's more saucy spots hiding from my lost innocent mind!
Must watch this : if you are a kid, nag to your parents to let you watch this (again if you already have) and watch it again when you hit 18. If you're grown up (my condolences), watch it again with your primary school friends from the days of yore. In each case, after the film go to McDonald's for a Kids Menu and get nasty with ringing doorbells and running away.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114709/

General Mc Douche speaking...Over!

And then he proceeded to take down his pants...

Suuuuper high and dry

Naked Angels (1969)

 Mother, a biker gang leader, gets out of prison and reconnects with his old pals. His only wish is to get back at the rival gang that snitched him out in the first place. Leading them throughout the desert, Mother seems to have lost his touch and gets rejected from the gang and left alone to get his revenge...
  Unluckily, Bruce D. Clark only directed one bikersploitation in his short career and and this film is it. Naked Angels employs a standard recipe for a film of this kind and does not even care to take a step out of the beaten path. That may seem to please most but not me and certainly not when even the expected amount of nudity is missing somewhere. Nevertheless, some great footage of the wild American desert and its riders, some intense violent scenes in the end and the lively soundtrack seem to make up for it!
  Michael Greene holds the role of the main character and as anti-hero as he would like to appear I simply can't accept him as the center of the film's story. He even treats his bitch, Jennifer Gan, like she was a model from Facial Abuse. Not cool at all! Luckily, Richard Rust a.k.a Fingers comes to take the lead and bring a more democratic touch to the gang!
Must watch this : grab a six-pack of some good beer, wear your dirty jeans and just a vest, get a filthy burger and enjoy this slacker like a true American!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064715/

Damn, man. We smoked the last joint, man!

Race you to your grave

Vroum, Vroum, Vroum

Rango (2011)

  Rango, an "ordinary" pet chameleon, finds himself in the Mojave desert, in the town of Dirt, after an accident.For the first time, Rango gets to interact with other living creatures and has to find his true identity while trying to put an end in the misery of his fellow townspeople.
  Gore Verbinski's previous is indeed a bit on the childish side but this film, however juvenile it may seem it holds some serious lessons for adults in it. Through beautiful, fully-digitized animation techniques, Rango manages to get through his messages and create a good-vibe atmosphere for both kids and grown-ups. Extra points for the cheesy old Western films references!
  Johnny Depp in yet another one of his roles as an aloof and weird personality. He is quite enjoyable as the goofy lizard trying to pose as a real man-lizard and so is the rest of the cast; Isla Fisher, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy and Stephen Root. It's also amazing in these films that each character gets to look like the actor-actress that gives their voice for this character. I guess technology never seizes to amaze me.
Must watch this : alone or with your friends for some quality time! Spend time to make a good dish and enjoy with the film and a cold Desperado beer.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1192628/?ref_=nv_sr_1

It wasn't me!

Lizard Van Gogh

10$ love you long time

Day of the Dead (1985)

  A group of  soldiers, scientists and civilians are isolated in an underground bunker while the entire world is tortured by the zombie plague. Seeking a scientific solution to the problem, the group captures and conducts experiments on zombies. When friction begins to arise between soldiers and scientists, everything changes...
  In the third addition to his so-called Dead trilogy, George A. Romero uses the classic recipe ; zombies outside, people inside and at some point the people inside just can't take it no more. The story, set as it is, allows the characters to unfold and play their part in the progress and not just be bullet-spitting maniacs. But when they need to be that, this film does boast some highly believable special effects that bring up a fresh sense of gore!
  It must not be so hard to act in a zombie film. I mean, most of your thunder is stolen by zombies anyway! Either way, the cast uses the script successfully and each actor plays his character to the max. Lori Cardille, only girl inside a group of dicks, Sherman Howard is ZomBob the friendly zombie, Joseph Pilato is enjoyably the prick chief in command and the smooth and always cool rastafari Terry Alexander.
Must watch this :  get your friends, several boxes of low quality pizza and the cheapest combo of soda drinks. Gore goes only with filthy fast food!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088993/

'Scuse me,sir. Where da hospital be?

Be a good lad and don't forget to shave and brush your teeth!

Shotgun!

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

  A group of anthropologists take a journey in the jungles of Colombia hoping to prove that the traditional tribes are not cannibals. They stumble upon a band of drug dealers who use the natives to process the coca leaf. When the natives can't take no more, it's time for a bloody revenge...
  Banned in 31 countries until recently, this film is definitely not a treat for the virgin eyes. Umberto Lenzi spares no expenses in making yet another violently shocking cannibal film. The level of gore is more than the average and you get fancy little scenes of random mutilation, torture and some extra violence on animals (the last one is real). It is rightfully considered a classic in its genre but be warned ; if you are used to tomato-style blood in films maybe you are not ready for it yet!
  Giovanni Lombardo Radice, Lorraine De Selle, Danilo Mattei, Zora Kerova and Walter Lucchini. It's not a surprise many of the actors in the cast where billed with a fake name. Not all actors were confident enough to be sure that their name in a film of such gore and violence would not hurt their possible careers. Nevertheless, the Italian finesse (even in such a film) is visible in the actors' performances ; you can sense that beneath the filth and shock lies talent!
Must watch this : we all have our violent anger outbreaks every now and then. If not, then I should better check myself. The point is that during those outbreaks when you really need to strangle a motherfucker, it is better to put this film to play. You won;t be hurting anyone but still you will get he satisfaction that somebody is getting it, real hard and painful!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082700/

So, how about I show you girls this thing I was talking about the other day?

Da fuck did I do last night?

This sure don't look good

Mad Max (1979)

  In a dystopian future, policemen struggle to sustain biker gangs that spread anarchy throughout the state. During a chase, officer Max kills the Nightrider, a gang's leader. To take revenge, the gang kills his partner and Max quits out of fear for his family. When, his wife and kid get killed by the gang, Max takes the law in his hands...
  The iconic hero persona of Mad Max starts here and gladly came to stay. His story is not one of a kind (it's a classic transform-and-revenge story) but the fact that it is set in the lonely and dangerous Australian desert gives it a whole new perspective. George Miller does not invent the wheel but we sure do like his view on it ; dusty and fast and leather-y with a lot of violence in it and just the perfect Aussie accent to get enough of your attention. If you haven't seen Mad Max, you are just a baby!
  Mel Gibson's first boost may as well have been this flick here. Mel gets to practice on his "mad" look and raunchy character but does not go off limits, just enough to make himself a cult icon. Hugh Keays-Byrne gets too theatrical but it's all in the game, since he is the deranged new gang leader, and Steve Bisley is Max's partner who gets his unjust side of the coin. Speaking of cult, I do not think I have seen a more awkward but unique police chief than Roger Ward. Obey the stache!
Must watch this : boring day, boring weather, boring everything. Make a cappuccino, get this playing and drive the boredom away. After the film, get in your car and drive around town hoping you can find some punks to get in trouble with!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079501/

That's some deep talk right there, kid!

Now, you are my bitch

"Police Brutality" "Shut up"

Wizards (1977)

  A magician as old as time lives in the peaceful part of his world but soon his evil brother starts planning to spread the chaos and doom and declares war. The good magician gathers up his team and attempts to restore peace and the balance of magic and technology...
   Ralph Bakshi's unique style is something out of the beyond. Considered by some the epitome of his work, Wizards is a funny psychedelic trip through an dystopian land which is divided to two parts; a normal natural part where all the magic creatures live and the nasty part where radiation has led to the creation of mutants. Allegories every second minute and an open connection of the bad guy to Hitler makes this film a delicious food for thought and a real treat for the eyes!
  The animation is really something spectacular in this film. I could not help feeling amazed at how warm and yet trippy all the scenes appeared. It is an 80 minute homage to a selection of drugs unknown to humanity now that helped create anything of the third eye we have now. For any fan of animation, this is a classic!
Must watch this : definitely as high as a kite on a rainy and gloomy afternoon!
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076929/

Peek-a-Boo

Dude, your eyes....

Sp, who is rolling the next one?

Rabid Dogs (1974) a.k.a Cani Arrabbiati

  After performing a violent robbery, three criminals try to escape Rome without getting caught. They take a woman and her child hostage and hijack a middle-aged man's car and force him to drive them all out of Rome. Will the hostages manage to stay alive under the criminals' pressure?
  The master of Italian horror, Mario Bava,  returns and this time he triggers primitive thrilling motions with this fantastic film here. I seriously could not find a dissatisfying element in it, not even a story loop or an unneeded pause. This film throws you in the thriller bucket and lets you there until the very end when it decides it is done with you. Film endings like the one here is the reason I have no respect for contemporary cinema!
  Nothing is left to chance when Bava is on the wheel and definitely not the actors. Don Backy, George Eastman and Maurice Poli vividly play the criminals and it is magnificent how each one's personality clashes with the other's. Lea Landri and Riccardo Cucciolla are the unfortunate hostages. The tremendous thrilling emotion that escalates throughout the film is a work of both the directing and the acting and since most of the film takes place inside a car, I can only say congratulations to the actors for performing so good in such limited space.
Must watch this : eating pizza and drinking Pepsi Twist on a hot summer night with a couple of friends (not more or the feeling of the movie will be lost if there is noise) and try not to talk throughout the film. When the end comes, jump surprised and yell.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071275/

If you feel anything, don't be alarmed. It will probably be my gun

Told ya!

Shit, I found a bag. I wonder whose is it?

The Blood of Fu Manchu (1968)

  Fu Manchu has found a strange species of snake whose venom only affects. In his powerful master plan, he inoculates ten women with this venom in order to poison ten male leaders, bring chaos in the world and eventually preparing millions of doses for his world domination...
  Even on meager budget Jess Franco once again proves not only that he can make a film but also that he can make a good film without depending too much on nudity and drugs. Exploiting the persona of the notorious villain Fu Manchu, Franco creates a thrilling adventure with intense scenes, of course a minimum amount of nudity and epic pulp characters and dialogues. Another underground classic by a perverted mind...
  Much of the film's success (or call it whatever you want) depends and can be attributed to Christopher Lee. Even under shitty situation and sarcastic roles, Lee manages to sustain a classy character and dominate most of the space that he can take. And since it's a Franco film, presences like Maria Rohm, Loni von Friedl, Shirley Eaton and Tsai Chin could not be absent!
Must watch this :  with your stoner friends, a bowl half-full of the best Buddha Haze you can find and sugar-full soda drinks! Get high, get cranked and start growing Fu Manchu beards under the tunes of those fuzzy bastards.
Trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062741/

Dat ass!

Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt

You definitely don't look Chinese!